By Eman Chayim
It is no secret that many in our community, driven by status and social validation, approach dating with a focus on superficial qualities—wealth, looks, and prestige—rather than deeper, more meaningful connections. While striving for a fulfilling relationship is natural, we must examine whether our priorities are aligned with genuine love or fleeting pleasures.
Understanding the Levels of Pleasure
Rabbi Noah Weinberg teaches that pleasure exists on a hierarchy, with physical and material enjoyment—such as wealth, beauty, and luxury—being the lowest. While these are appealing, they pale in comparison to higher levels of pleasure, such as love and emotional connection.
The Problem: Superficial Expectations
Too many relationships are dictated by shallow demands. We’ve all heard stories of potential matches being rejected over minor physical traits or insufficient wealth. This fixation leads to an endless, often fruitless, search for an unrealistic ideal.
A Higher Perspective: The Power of Love
True love transcends materialism. Rambam (Maimonides) defines love as the emotional pleasure derived from appreciating another’s virtues. A meaningful relationship requires effort, compromise, and shared values—not perfection. As Rabbi Weinberg states:
“The idea that love ‘just happens’ is a lie—a beautiful, romantic, extremely popular, but false notion. Real love requires careful evaluation of whether this person’s goals, values, and lifestyle truly align with yours.”
If we dismiss potential partners over trivial concerns, we risk missing out on a deeper, lasting connection.
Reevaluating Priorities in Dating
Of course, attraction and financial stability matter, but they should not overshadow emotional compatibility and shared values. As the Mishnah (Pirkei Avot 5:19) teaches:
“Love that depends on external factors fades when those factors disappear, but love that is unconditional endures.”
Rambam expands on this, emphasizing that relationships built on mutual respect and genuine care—not wealth or beauty—are the ones that last.
A Shift in Mindset
If we continue placing wealth and appearance above all else, perhaps we should fully embrace the absurdity—requiring plastic surgery before marriage or demanding bank statements with a match proposal. Or, we can choose to rise above societal pressures and build relationships based on real, enduring connection.
The choice is ours.