The Pursuit of Pleasure in Dating
Wealth, looks, prestige, or something that lasts? A hierarchy of pleasure, applied to how we choose a partner.
Many in our community approach dating with a focus on superficial qualities, such as wealth, looks, and prestige, rather than deeper, more meaningful connections.
Understanding the Levels of Pleasure
Rabbi Noah Weinberg teaches that pleasure exists on a hierarchy. Physical and material enjoyment, such as wealth, beauty, and luxury, is the lowest. True love and emotional connection rank far higher.
The Problem: Superficial Expectations
Too many relationships are dictated by shallow demands. Potential matches are rejected over minor physical traits or insufficient wealth. This fixation leads to an endless, often fruitless, search for an unrealistic ideal.
A Higher Perspective: The Power of Love
The Rambam defines love as the emotional pleasure derived from appreciating another’s virtues. A meaningful relationship requires effort, compromise, and shared values, not perfection.
As Rabbi Weinberg states: “The idea that love ‘just happens’ is a lie, a beautiful, romantic, extremely popular, but false notion. Real love requires careful evaluation of whether this person’s goals, values, and lifestyle truly align with yours.”
The Mishnah (Pirkei Avot 5:16): “Love that depends on external factors fades when those factors disappear, but love that is unconditional endures.”
A Shift in Mindset
If we continue placing wealth and appearance above all else, perhaps we should fully embrace the absurdity, requiring plastic surgery before marriage or demanding bank statements with a match proposal. Or we can choose to build relationships based on real, enduring connection. The choice is ours.
